“Since we couldn’t celebrate last year,” she says apologetically. He must’ve been a mass murderer. Not the point. 191221 LWJ M&G - LWJ is too precious. Granny Wen might have something to say about that, but Wei Wuxian knows she can’t help but brag about A-Yuan. he’s a babey!! From one moment to the next, Wei Wuxian is suddenly surrounded by not only his peers, but their families, and his own swarming around him, an overwhelming kaleidoscope of familiar faces. He’s currently staring at the pink socks, pack of hair ties and the straw doll sitting on the keyboard like a reminder. Jiang Cheng looks—well, for once, he might look worse than Wei Wuxian, which is saying something. That. “Nie fucking Huaisang, I could kiss you.”, It’s a candid, taken between poses that were either very specifically curated or meme references thinly disguised as art. "How to Fall in Love (Part 1)" is a song by the Bee Gees. Wei Wuxian gazes at the cup, and then spoons out the brown cheese clot from the cup and into his mouth. “EW, WHAT THE FUCK, WHY ARE YOU KISSING SOMEONE.”. An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works 020 - The First 'I Love You' - storiesaboutvan - Catfish and the Bottlemen (Band) [Archive of Our Own] Main Content two bros chillin in a family picture holding hands because theyre actually gay holy shit HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nev Schulman. He’s adorable. “Because…?”. Okay but can we talk about how cute lwjs boyfriend (fiance?) Instead he keeps standing, dizzy with the fact that everything has gone back to normal, to better than normal. Wei Wuxian is ready to bail and bail hard, until Shijie’s last message. Before Wei Wuxian can see the first tears start in earnest, he clears his throat and says, “Why I love any of you is the ninth mystery on campus. 1565 guests “A-Xian.”, “I mean, does it make sense? He hasn’t felt this good since… ever, really. The war ends and Hermione is thrust back into the modern world with smartphones, internet romance and Catfish. Maybe bake a cupcake in the morning with little rabbits on the frosting, because surely even Wei Wuxian can’t fuck up rabbits. He doesn’t know why he’s so invested in this, but—but surely his catfish wouldn’t be so cruel as to leave him hanging without so much as a happy birthday. “Chemistry, Lord knows how, and of course, education. The whole concept of being tricked into falling in love with false online personas has become a guilty pleasure for many people. He’s on the rooftop because it’s an RA privilege he doesn’t get to abuse nearly enough, and also because it’ll stop the little freshmen from looking up to him as a gleaming standard of propriety. if he dosent ever want to talk to me again i get it but, unless hes not comfortable with talking to me ever agian, can u ask him if i can talk to him again one last time. Like Energizer instead of some Maxell bullshit. Like all the time! All the fight seeps out of Wei Wuxian and sinks into the dirt. Psychology of a Catfish. “Not that you’re not beautiful,” Wei Wuxian coos to aforementioned turtle after staggering completely and utterly stone cold sober into his dorm hall (his, because against the better judgement of literally everyone in a position of power on campus, Wei Wuxian is the bosom mother of every freshman part of the Chinese Cultural Society). “You drunk dialed me, asshole,” says Jiang Cheng. Like beer?”, “Beer is boring and for basic bitches,” Wen Qing scoffs, and oh, there she is. “Me too,” Wei Wuxian says, smiling. Peach vodka. Lookup the Person’s Name, Email or Telephone Number Look out for the one who is fast to express such things as, “I’m falling … You can search for photos of rabbits, if you desire them so much. Feel free to search up any articles about Lan Wangji’s friend, if you want. “Okay, cool, cool, cool. He’s magnanimous like that. Don’t kill A-Ling.”, It’s always a little fascinating how he discovers new relatives every Chinese New Year. “You know,” says Wei Wuxian idly, “Shijie once told me that you should start off the new year by doing whatever you want to do for the rest of the year, to set the tone for new beginnings. His stash of granola bars and assorted nuts that he’d packed like a frenzied squirrel preparing for the apocalypse is all gone, which means that at some point he must’ve consumed it. Groaning, he lifts his head and squints at his phone. Who is the ‘mystery friend’ that Lan Wangji keeps talking about? (Xuanwu would beg to differ but this is why the turtle is Wei Wuxian’s life partner—he can’t snitch.). Did it get cancelled?”. You try so fucking hard not to be a burden. No need to see me out.”. “I missed you too, Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says. Wei Wuxian is too distracted to ward off Jiang Cheng’s attempts at choking him because the catfish sent him a picture. Most times I think he’s just humoring me, actually. Then, as if in agreement: “Wei Ying.” Another short pause. It was about to be homecoming. “Stop, oh my god, I didn’t think that you would be this unbearable once you got a boyfriend!”, “Might be fiancé, actually,” Wei Wuxian says, reluctantly turning away from Lan Wangji’s face. “I’m sorry too. I’m not as bad as you. Jiang Cheng is hugging him. Maybe it would be before the end of this year, or the first time they met. ‘If you don’t mind me asking?’ What, is the catfish trying to score extra points for politeness? “Happy birthday!” he shouts. He feels good about it. Which launches him into a Wikipedia deep dive: The Untamed > Xianxia > Buddhism > Hellenistic period > New Comedy > Meet the Parents > Robert De Niro > Taxi Driver > Peptic Ulcer Disease > Amoxicillin > WHO Model List of Essential Medicines > Diazepam > Hoffmann-La Roche > Genentech > Dwarfism > Game of Thrones > Primetime Emmy Award > Lan Wangji. Bile or some other physical manifestation of terror rises in Wei Wuxian’s throat for a terrible second. “It’s fine,” he repeats, trying to beam the sentiment into her brain through sheer force of will. Only after Wei Wuxian has turned his attention to A-Qing’s needling questions does Xue Yang slowly pick apart the ball back into a legible sheet. ‘Cause there’s no way that- that I like him so fucking much when I don’t even know what his face is doing. Or something lame like Jeff? Jiang Cheng’s eyes flicker briefly down to the cactus before returning to Wei Wuxian’s face, impassive, and okay, cool, that’s not nerve-wracking at all or anything. Even Xue Yang, least empathetic of the bunch and arguably the whole residence, if not the whole university, has curbed his biting comments, which would be a cause for serious concern if Wei Wuxian could bring himself to feel anything beyond a buzzing melancholy. LWJ responded “无愧” (has a clear conscience, feels no qualms)” and “钦羡” (LWJ admires, holds him in high regard him a lot). On the plus side, he stops kidnapping Wei Wuxian to go to family dinners. “Okay,” he says, “how about twenty dollars.”. Wait, I didn’t mean to say it like that. “You’re really great,” Wei Wuxian blurts. (Davis, Annie. They are the only bitches on campus with the stomach to consider it at length. Hearing that same stilted, furious quiet from Lan Zhan. This time, when he leans across the table and Cathy asks him, “Another summer semester then?” he’s able to say, “I’m graduating.”, It should be offensive, but he just laughs. Ah, cut it off, so messy, so messy. spoiler alert it’s not lxc people.com/style/exclusive-with-lan-wangji, this is where the mystery friend starts getting real. And Cathy, bless her, leans back in her cubicle to brag about Wei Wuxian to her coworkers like a proud grandmother. Wen Ning is… glistening in the light. Wei Wuxian thinks he understands how it feels to be betrayed by one’s children when he gets in the car and makes eye contact with Xue Yang from his window. “Alright,” Wei Wuxian says. A pause. He finds himself telling his catfish all sorts of things that he really can’t tell anyone else, and that’s… something. Max and Nev are at a party and Nev ends up doing a body shot off of Max. A lot. “You show a remarkable lack of concern for your brother.”, “Shut it, Wen, you haven’t seen this guy swallow rocks like I have.”, “Yeah, said it would give him superpowers or some shit when we were younger, don’t ask me.”, “I didn’t swallow rocks, fuck off,” Wei Wuxian coughs out, ignoring the cries of he’s alive! He stares at this perfect cake that his catfish baked for him, filled with cinnamon and paprika that his catfish actually remembered from a conversation from weeks ago and at the follow-up messages that never forget to address every half-thought that leaves Wei Wuxian’s head. Madam Yu gifts him with the absence of any further insults. Nie Huaisang snaps his fan in response. Or maybe he’s a hacker and he hacked into Lan Wangji’s phone which is probably super boring and vanilla, and then started using the pictures of his bunnies to convince people that he’s not a catfish and instead the real Lan Wangji when really, he’s a hacking catfish.”, Shijie waits until Wei Wuxian’s breathing has returned to semi-normalcy before she asks, “And you think that being a stalking, hacking, unknown catfish twin of Lan Wangji who knows everything about Lan Wangji is more realistic than your catfish being Lan Wangji himself?”, Shijie levels a disappointed gaze at him. I hope you get the person you want, then. When he’s recovered from the burn of the vodka that’s trying to create a new nostril, he manages to say, “But I’m bisexual.”, “It is like a little bisexual fairy has fluttered in through the door and left eggs in my mini-fridge,” says Wen Qing again, with no change in her inflection. He stops. Yes. Jiang Cheng is probably polishing off the rest of the wine bottles or storing them in his car to smuggle back on campus. The truth will come out when John calls Nev and Kamie from Catfish to get to the bottom of things. Fuck, this sucks. A cactus!”, “If you don’t want it, you can give it back.”, “No!” Wei Wuxian wails. “I mean, like I kinda knew it ever since that day, you know? His dear brother motions at the cheese-clotted cup: go on, it’s a present. “That’s not what I mean.”, “No,” Jiang Cheng agrees, “‘cause you never think about it, do you? That’s all that matters. At least partially. Wei Wuxian had, sometime after their reconciliation and before graduation, made a whole resolution to himself that he would find some way to confess to Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian can’t remember the last time he felt this confident going into an exam, which can’t be said for his freshmen. But he can’t, and he has his thermodynamics and kinetics exam the same day as Art and Archeology in Pompeii, so he can’t even put off studying for one until the night of. He is not disappointed for other reasons. “Um, yes? Wei Wuxian’s position in the Jiang family is a lot like… Nie Huaisang’s general existence. Must be the timer. “How the hell am I supposed to know when you don’t talk to me about it? Do you mind if I ask you some questions? We Catfish ourselves when we fall in love with "Tomorrow." Which brings him to cons of visiting the Jin household: Jin Zixuan, who, aside from being a pompous, pretentious peacock, is a constant reminder that Wei Wuxian is 1) dirt poor, 2) without money, 3) of low income, and 4) lonely. Or he intends to, before he encounters a problem. Scammers are lurking every dating site you can think of, trying to find victims to steal money from, and Christian Mingle is no exception. He has no idea. “What would you do?”, He stares at her. There is no goddamn way he is this lucky. A pause. And she hasn’t. The reaction is so satisfying that Wei Wuxian keeps talking. Some undetermined amount of time later, at which point Wei Wuxian’s eyes are beginning to blur again, he remembers that he forgot to send a reply to his catfish and emerges from the haze with a sharp inhale. Block.”. I didn’t know it was your birthday and wanted to do something for you before it ended, even if it was just baking you a cake. But it’s a catfish who is willing to pretend that they have watched all of Wei Wuxian’s favorite movies and liked the soundtrack to Tangled, with rabbits and a criminal lack of understanding of text speak and politeness that has to be faked because no one is actually that nice in real life. Luxurious. It’s probably just me. More for himself than the kids, who probably won’t realize this is the end of their first year until they’ve got everything packed up in boxes. It still doesn’t excuse the fact that I burdened you guys by giving you unnecessary shit. I am currently on set. You know?”, “No,” says Lan Wangji. Or maybe this is just another college kid trying to make it through student debt with a sugar daddy—which, if the sugar daddy in question is supposed to be Wei Wuxian, who has eaten instant ramen for five of the seven days this week, the kid is barking up the wrong fucking tree here. After plugging it in, he then sees that it isn’t his Shijie texting him, but an unknown number. “You are a disaster,” Wei Wuxian hisses at himself. “I think I’m memesexual,” Wei Wuxian says aloud. Been sleeping on piles of clothes instead of my bed because folding is too much work. He turns back to his notes, switches subjects, and immediately feels his eyes glaze over. “No idea where that came from.”, “You’re the worst fucking liar on this planet, you know that?”, “At least I’m the greatest brother on this planet?”, “No,” Jiang Cheng snaps, and Wei Wuxian can’t help the little flinch that runs through him. So he swipes right with a flourish, delights momentarily in that they matched, and immediately sends a message. Right, he thinks, a few minutes later. Wei Wuxian would know. “Right.”. Wei Wuxian once texted all of his friends, my grades r telling me to be a trophy wife but my face is telling me to study harder so what do u do when ur a rat w two brain cells, Shijie texted back: You are incredibly smart and hard-working A-Xian don’t say that!!!!!!!! He looks small, all of a sudden. How’s your new internship going, by the way? who you have feelings for? Question six: you use shorthand frequently, but there are some that I don’t understand. Shijie couldn’t because of a sudden business trip, but Jiang Cheng has never liked the Wens and showing up, here, with an unspoken promise not to engage in any arguments about them—. “It’s like eighty percent frosting and it’s heavy. His collarbones are even on display, because Nie Huaisang took one look under his jacket before he announced, “Jacket off. He brings out one pristine strawberry with the stems cut off—which, okay, cool—and lemon juice—awesome, great, fantastic—and then plonks down a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila. A cactus. The cutest snowdrift Wei Wuxian has ever seen. He almost feels like crying. Not like he has anyone to talk to now. That’s it, isn’t it? It’s harder not to text him, if anything. This is a good moment and he will not cry, he will not cry. But it’s not like you’ll take it, anyway.” She takes an unsteady breath, a few steps back, turns on her heel. Focus on your shower. Shijie’s frown has only deepened by the end of his reassurances, which, way to fucking go, Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian asked him out and blurted out the world’s most embarrassing confession ever—and Lan Wangji texted him an Uno reverse card. The rules limit the concoctions to a maximum of three ingredients, so there’s little chance that Wei Wuxian will die from this, but that might actually be worse. Up close her eyes are rimmed red, bright with furious tears. “Also, don’t be homophobic, A-Cheng.”, “Don’t be homophobic,” Shijie’s voice chimes in, and Wei Wuxian’s smile only widens when he finds her stepping beside Jiang Cheng. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being grateful for that. They only just then seem to see each other, eyes wide, and to everyone’s amusement A-Yuan takes hold of Jin Ling’s pudgy toddler hand and says entirely seriously, “Will you be my best friend?”. And unlike… most everyone in his life, really, his catfish still talks to him and treats him like—like an adult. Of course it’s my duty to do better than you and keep my position as A-Ling’s favorite uncle.”. Cool cool cool. It’s just that I don’t want to bother my precious little Xuanwu—”, “Xuanwu lives in the commons. Oh, god. now we’re in february. Fall in love at first bite ‼️.Take one bite of our great appetizers... and you may be tempted not to leave room for dinner. He’s happy?”, Granny Wen’s entire face creases with her smile. He’s wearing a white suit with a neat sky-blue tie, and the way his blazer stretches over his shoulders should be absolutely criminal. But high winds and sudden cold fronts can make things tricky. Wei Wuxian perks up at that. and that his friend makes him smile the most? Wei Wuxian buries his face into her shoulder, even if it forces his neck at a bad angle. Does your catfish have any pets?”, Slowly, Wei Wuxian tips his head to the side just enough so his voice is less muffled. He texts like an old man and never relents on reminding Wei Wuxian to eat, or drink water, or get some sleep by fucking 9 PM, as if Wei Wuxian is an actual child, but even those reminders are sweet in their own way. You told me what was happening. Tomorrow. Or at least I hope he’s willing to?”, Lan Wangji steps up before Wei Wuxian can reply. Suddenly he can’t shove it down any longer. “I want to keep seeing you in person,” he goes on, almost tripping over his words in his hurry to get them out of his mouth, “and date you, and hold your hand, and like, pet your rabbits together, watch Xuanwu float together, do whatever together. Obviously.”, “Wen Qing would sooner castrate you than let her anywhere near her. (´。• ᵕ •。`) ♡♡. “There’s no way I’m marking it like that.”. Question five: I would like to request a picture of yourself as well. All things in moderation.”. But I just found out he’s rich.”, “And I thought I would be the sugar daddy,” Wei Wuxian says, determinedly ignoring the way Uncle Jiang mouths the words sugar daddy to himself at the head of the table. Did I mention that you should die.” He’s using die as punctuation. Is this better? “Jiang Cheng,” he says carefully, “I know what you’re going to say.” When Jiang Cheng doesn’t reply, Wei Wuxian exhales and goes on, “If this is about the groceries, I told you, it’s just every once in a while and I like to treat them. Jiang Cheng has been hurt and angry before and they dealt with it fine, if not well. Wei Wuxian would love to help, really, but the problem remains that he apparently is not privy to the whims of the fairies—regardless of Wen Qing’s deadpan barbs—and therefore has no idea where counselling services are, and he’s so swamped with his own work that the best he can do is dump all his old study aids on them and hope for the best. Well, it was all in good fun, and unfortunately his pile of awaiting assignments have not magically decreased in the time he has been talking to the catfish. “I don’t know you. You normally don’t spell out the word “should.”, that is legit the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me. “I take it back. The war ends and Hermione is thrust back into the modern world with smartphones, internet romance and Catfish. This is a level so far beyond logic and rationale that the sheer act of watching the video a second time shattered something inside Wei Wuxian like, spiritually. “The owl is fucking gone,” says A-Qing by day three. Jiang Cheng grimaces. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a law. “Didn’t do it for you,” Lan Zhan says eventually, and Wei Wuxian feels something in his chest wither and die like an unwatered plant. But he can at least try to give it to someone else. Madam Yu fucking hates the sight of him and she still lets him into their family dinners, lets him call the people around him Uncle and Shijie and A-Cheng. If Wei Wuxian were to make a drinking game out of family dinner, he would have an extensive list that goes something like this: There’s other events too, of course—such as Shijie asking about his little Xuanwu, followed by a picture exchange of Jin Ling and Xuanwu, as if a human child is the same thing as a turtle—but Wei Wuxian is a little too lazy to think about the specifics of assigning shots for those. It’s the first thing that pops up into his head, other than I’ve never wanted anyone to dick me down more, but that’s not romantic and also not age-appropriate and also not part of the moving speech Wei Wuxian thought of before. Despite midterms just around the corner, Wei Wuxian does not slink out of celebrating the Chinese New Year with the Jiangs. So you are going to fucking take it before I tranquilize you for real.”, So that is a tranquilizer behind the door. Or it would, if not for the clothing barrier. "You will be different." 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